Answering an Anonymous Question

I have an off the topic question. How long do you think a couple should date before getting engaged? In other words, what do you think the minimum amount of time is a couple should date before getting engaged? What reasoning do you have behind this? Think of it in general for most people in the world.

Posted by anonymous.... time for an answer I guess.

Simple answer... 0.0 seconds. I'm sure I need to explain. I can't put a minimum time on this question, as I don't think it will equate across the board. I have heard of great relationships coming from arranged marriages which had neither dating, nor engagement periods. I've seen couples date for 5 years who should never get married, and couples get engaged after very short periods of dating. I don't think there is a good time answer to this question, so I'm not going to give one.

However, I might attempt to answer the question "How will I know if I'm ready to get engaged?" I'm going to answer this question from a singular standpoint (the I, not the we) because I was being asked by a singular person, and not by a couple. If a couple wants to ask me this question, my answer will change (as I assume that means they are both thinking about it). I'm also a guy, and can only answer from that perspective, so this question might be re-phrased "How do I know when/if I can/should ask my girlfriend to marry me?" Here we go...

My opinions, and no facts, start here. I believe this question is only asked by someone who is thinking about marriage. I'm assuming things about the "in general for most people in the world" thing now. I'm assuming first that this person is mature enough to be married. I don't know exactly how to equate what I'm thinking when I say mature, but it requires an ability to live life independently of "others" for things like food and shelter. Someone who cannot provide food/shelter (with their spousal help) shouldn't think seriously about this question. (I understand there are exceptions to all these rules, I'm just assuming that the person asking isn't a 15 year old kid with his first girlfriend or something)

So we've got this down, we consider ourselves mature enough for marriage (maturity defined very loosely) and we are at least thinking about the prospect of marriage with a specific person in mind. Here is a list of "requirements" I would prefer be met before the "general people" take the next step...

Someone shouldn't ask someone else to marry them based on emotion. The knowledge that engagement would be either enjoyable or romantic is not a valid reason. The assumption that engagement is the next logical step, again, not a valid reason. The assumption that, the other person will like/love me more if we are engaged, again, not a valid reason. There are plenty of other ways to be romantic that don't involve an increase in commitment (or unhealthy physical activity). Avoid these pitfalls of relationships. Ask yourself, am I only doing this because I think they want it, or because it feels logical? If you are only doing it for that reason, you haven't dated long enough (really, you aren't ready to make a life long commitment).

Secondly, I wish more people would think about what they do/don't know about a person. Though I would agree with the statement that you learn a lot more about a person during the engagement period, if you are relying on this as a learning phase before marriage, you are not ready. Engagement periods (in my opinion) should be long enough to comfortably plan the wedding ceremony. Not longer, not shorter. Engagement is not the best time to begin to realize new things about someone. It will happen, but if you are counting on it to give you information important enough for life commitment, you haven't dated long (or well) enough. You should not be considering engagement if you are not ready to commit your entire life. Period.

I'll end with one more. Engagement is the next step in the relationship when you have realized one thing. You cannot be who you are created to be without this person as a companion. If you cannot say this without a doubt, continue dating. You know when you've realized this. If you have realized this (I'm assuming this is from the "asker's" perspective now) then you can begin the engagement process.

This process will include more questions. Are you sure the other person wants marriage as well? Are you sure that you can also help make the other person what/who they are created to be? Are you confident (notice I didn't say sure for this one) that the timing will fit with their life stage (family, friends, jobs etc..)? Can you afford your idea of an engagement (don't go in debt for a ring, it isn't worth it)? (Again, realize that the last is my opinion, and that I understand there will be exceptions to this rule).

Engagement shouldn't be rushed. It should be enjoyed. It is a decision however, that should be made more on the end of necessity than on the end of emotion. I can't define it well on this blog, but can easily and comfortably talk about it. Feel free to ask me in person sometime when we can dialogue about the relationship if you want my opinion communicated more clearly.