Conviction is not Fun

I haven't been doing well. After waking up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday (see previous blog) I proceeded to go to bed on the wrong side as well (read: my night didn't end well so I quit what I was working on and went to sleep). That didn't put me in a frame to wake up doing well this morning so the trend continued today.

Except, that one thing was added.

Conviction.

About a week ago, I talked about being someone worth watching. I want to show that spirituality is in all of life, not a separate facet of it. Today, that hit me over the head. I had encouraged people to be comfortable asking me how I was spending my time.

I have not been spending it well. I hadn't been nearly as focused over my two week break as I needed to be on my schoolwork. That lead directly to last night's downfall. It didn't take me long to make the connection. I really do need to get my act together.

Not, I need to get my act together so I can pass a class, or get my act together, because students need to have their acts together. This reaches much deeper. I need to be the kind of person who will do the hard work, even when it isn't exciting to them.

Time for some more vomiting on you all:

There are recurring trends in my life. One of which particularly, is against the trend that the Bible says our life should look like. I'll unfold.

When it comes to doing something well, I excel if two things are true: 1) I'm naturally gifted at doing what is required, and 2) I enjoy the process or outcome of the actions. What is unfortunate, is the rarity in which both of these things are true.

Soccer has been one of those examples in my life. I never really minded doing the training for soccer that wasn't fun, I even allowed myself to be convinced to play positions that I didn't prefer, because both of these things were true. Basketball is the counterpart. I played organized basketball for one season. I wasn't good. This gave me no desire to put in the effort to become better. I wasn't naturally gifted, therefore, I quit.

The second aspect is easier to see in some leadership positions I have held. In college, I served in the same role for two different years, the first of which, I served very successfully, the second of which I mailed in. I didn't put in the effort to be as good of a leader the second year, not because I wasn't gifted to (quite the opposite actually), but because I no longer found excitement in the process. It was old. It had worn off on me. The magic had left.

Well before I resigned from my Youth Pastoring job, I knew this was happening again. I had worked for the first year the way I had been trained to: don't change much the first year. Form relationships and positions yourself to adequately assess where the situation is and how you might make changes during the second year. I could do this. The excitement even carried into the second year, because...I got to make changes. I had talked to my mentors during this process and mentioned my fear that the third year would become one of boredom for me. The excitement of making new changes might wear off, and because of the influx of new students over the two year period, I would now be re-teaching things I had taught two years ago. I was concerned, but never had to face the issue. For very different reasons, I resigned before the third year started.

I find myself in the situation again. Seminary was great last year. I never regretted being there, I rarely decided not to pay full attention in class. Only church history bored me enough to browse the internet or play Free Cell instead of listening intently. This year seems different. School feels like something I have to do again this year, not something I love to do. Part of we wonders if it is just a cycle I go through, or if some of it has to do with the fact that I have no preaching class this quarter. This is my first quarter without one and I desperately miss the act of crafting sermons, even if they are sermons I will never preach.

Regardless of the reason, I know that the second premise (me being excited about the process or outcome of my action) is not true right now. I'm highly gifted to be in Seminary, but my motivation isn't so keen right now.

God has been challenging me in this because His Word seems to consistently affirm that perseverance is a key trait to the Christian life. As I've reflected on my life, perseverance is something that I haven't always portrayed.

My prayer tonight, is that I would decrease and God would increase. Through this, and this only do I actually have hope that perseverance will become a characteristic of my identity.

With all that said, I now get to write a paper on my belief on inerrancy vs. infallibility of the Scriptures. I know, you're jealous.